


Greed Gets his Body Back

by thephilosophah



Series: Hold Out [1]
Category: Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood & Manga
Genre: Drinking, F/M, M/M, Multi, Post-Canon, and the conversations mix up, greed and ling thinkspeak to each other, while talking to other ppl
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-13
Updated: 2016-09-15
Packaged: 2018-08-14 21:56:24
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 17,782
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8030266
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thephilosophah/pseuds/thephilosophah
Summary: Two years after canon events, Greeling and Lan Fan return to Amestris to reunite with their friends, but mostly to get Greed a body of his own.





	1. The pie's not gonna leave

**Author's Note:**

> i wrote this way back in february and i wanted to art for it a bit more but it's been to long so i'm just uploading this now have fun

There’s cold; then hot, then cold again; then it’s only pain pain pain pulsing through her body not quite like blood, tearing at her joints and clawing at her flesh.

 

 

Ling opens one eye. He opens his other eye. He rolls on his back until Lan Fan comes in his line of view.

She’s hunched over herself and clutching at her left shoulder.

Ling rolls back on his side.

_What’s up, brat?_ Greed asks.

_Go back to sleep._

_Like you’re trying to? What woke you up anyway?_

_(Not Lan Fan she’s too quiet) I don’t know._

_Oh,_ Greed goes, and his fangs gleam in Ling’s mind. _How damn good can you guys possibly be at reading energies, anyway?_

_(I am the son of the man who uses the Dragon’s Pulse-) Some Amestrians are pretty good too._

_Alchemists, I bet._

Fabric rustles. Lan Fan’s quiet steps leave the room.

_If I recall, that Hawkeye woman was doing a fine job at sensing unusual energies. She was the one who found out your oldest brother, wasn’t she?_

_Huh, so she was. (The girl left she left go after her) Hey, Ling?_

In flesh, Ling frowns. In his mind, he hugs his knees and curls in a ball.

_What._

_She’s in pain. Don’t leave her alone._

_I don’t remember what_ alone _feels like._

_Fine, you little shit, I’ll shut up. Go._

_Thanks._

Ling puts on his jacket and, deciding the world is too cold and cruel right now, he throws a blanket over his shoulders. Which turns out to be a good plan when he finds Lan Fan curled in a corner of the balcony.

He drapes the blanket over her head and sits down in front of her. She doesn’t move.

“Did I wake you?” she says, muffled by the blanket.

“Does it hurt?” Ling says. She doesn’t answer. “Lan Fan.”

“A storm is coming”, she says and emerges from under the blanket. She keeps it around her head and holds a fistfull of it in front of her neck, her jaw. “My joints are bothering me.”

Ling lowers his gaze. “Will- will this stop as you heal?”

She hides half of her face behind her fistful of fabric. “Edward Elric has told me it depends on the case. He’s had his automail for years now and he gets pain still.”

The word pain really shouldn’t sting as much as it does. Ling turns his hands palm down and stares at his tattoo.

“Are you gonna come back inside?”

“I shouldn’t be interrupting your sleep.”

“I’m awake already. And I don’t think it’s a good idea to stay out in the cold.”

_Says the guy who’s top naked._

_I’m wearing a jac- go back to sleep!_

Lan Fan uncovers her face and holds open the blanket with her flesh hand. Ling crawls in by her side and pulls her hand down to his shoulder.

“My lord, you should go inside.”

“Come with me?” He steals a glance down her neck. Her scars are mocking him.

“The cold numbs the pain, my lord.”

“I have a name.”

“I know, my lord. I know.”

She pulls him closer. His head lands on her shoulder.

 

 

_Do you have any idea how stupid you are?_

“It’s too early for this, Greed.”

_No, fuck that. I cannot believe how she can put up with you! Seriously, have you thought about just drop-kicking duty and position and whatever the hell else is bothering you for_ one _shitdamn moment and just deal with your problems like a normal human?_

“I’m neither normal, nor am I fully human. Really, Greed, how can you forget you exist?”

_Yeah, but isn’t that why we’re back here? In Amestris?_

“I’m beginning to have doubts about this, too. I won’t be immortal anymore, will I?”

Lan Fan’s head jerks to his direction. Oh, good.

_I know you’re lying._

She _doesn’t._

_Yeah she does._

_(Yeah she does.)_

“Man, it’s gonna be so weird to have quiet in my head again. I may even hear my own thoughts! Wild.”

_Hahah._

_Oh, right. You’ve never existed without a Philosopher’s Stone. Have you always been hearing the souls?_

_It was as quiet as hearing my own heartbeat until you came along._

“Young Master, will you be reconsidering the decision to embody the Homunculus?”

“I have a name”, Ling says at the same time as Greed thinks, _I have a name._

“Will you?”

“No. Greed will be getting a body. That’s my final decision, Lan Fan. We didn’t come all the way here for tourism.”

“Understood”, she says and holds her chin high, her back straight.

_At least you’re not illegal this time around._

_Oh, worried about my wellbeing?_

_No, I just don’t want this body to get arrested._

 

 

“Oh, Ling! Lan Fan! Long time no see, come in”, Winry says as soon as she opens the door. She’s wearing her work clothes tied at her waist and a big bright smile, which is way more skin and way more emotion than either of the two Xingese are used to.

Greed, though, rolls just fine with it.

“Good to see you too, girl. Are the Elrics around?”

“Uh.”

“What? Don’t make that face. You haven’t seen me in two years and that’s all the expression you can manage?”

“Ling, are you... alright?”

“It’s Greed”, he says and lifts his left hand to his chest.

Winry startles.

 

 

They’re watching a pie bake when Edward comes back home.

“I leave for one hour.”

“Ed”, Winry rushes to catch his arm. “Ed, something’s wrong.”

“Yeah tell me about it. There’s a couple of thin-eyed nuisances in our kitchen.”

“Ed!”

“I’m kidding! I’m kidding. It’s good to see you guys, Ling, Lan Fan.”

Lan Fan nods. “Likewise.”

“How’s the metal treating you?”

“The storms are difficult.”

Edward nods. “Ling? C’mon man, the pie’s not gonna leave.”

“Oh, I’m sorry”, he says and stands up straight. “But it’s actually Greed.”

Edward punches him in the face. Lan Fan catches Edward by the hair. Half of Greed’s cheek is carbon.

“What the hell.”

“Ah, yes. Hell. Nice place, that is. Been there twice recently.”

Edward breathes in. Lan Fan lets go.

“You got taller, Ed.”

“Yeah would you look at that! A lot of time has passed.”

Ling offers his fist. “Not too much to ask for a favor, I hope.”

“Definitely not.” Edward takes the offered fist bump.

“Is that Ling?” Winry says.

“Yeah, that’s me.” Ling bows at her. “It’s good to see you again.”

Winry bows back.

“How is Alphonse doing?” asks Lan Fan.

“He’s upstairs. I’ll go get him”, Winry says, and does as promised.

“Hey, kid”, Greed says. “D’ you remember what I looked like in Dublith?”

“Yeah.”

“That looked better than this does, didn’t – Hey!” Greed switches to Ling mid-sentence.

Never having seen this before, Edward laughs.

 

 

They sit in the living room around the cooling pie. Alphonse and Ling have been talking nonstop about Xing, with a few remarks by Lan Fan here and there.

“And there was this really great dish, what’s it called-”

“It was one of the Chang clan’s specialties, my lord.”

“Yes, that one-”

“Chang? That’s May’s clan, right?”

“Yeah! She was the one who suggested it to me actually!”

“Oh man, Xingese food. That’d be great to taste. You know, I had a notebook where, among other things, I kept note of all the things I wanted to taste after I got my body back? I had some pretty good stuff in there, but man! Now I kinda wanna taste the things you guys just described. They sound like something I’d travel the desert for.”

“Al, come on”, Winry says, “Apple pie!”

“Apple pie!” Edward repeats.

“Apple pie!” Alphonse giggles. “Yeah, sorry guys, Winry’s apple pies will forever be my favorites. They’re like God’s gifts.”

“And that’s coming from a guy who’s seen and talked to God”, Edward points out. “You should be proud, Winry.”

“You have no idea. Al, can you do me a favor and never stop telling me how good my pies are?”

“Of course!”

“Oh, speaking of favors”, Edward looks back at Ling, “What’d you guys want?”

“Oh”, Ling says, “It’s about Greed.”

“What about him?” asks poor, innocent Alphonse.

“Well, he’s back.”

Poor, innocent Alphonse goes to flip the table, but his eyes fall on the pie so he quits that plan.

“And I want a body – a separate one from Ling”, says Greed.

All three of the blondes in front of him widen their eyes. Edward then narrows them.

_Cute._

_Don’t you dare hit on any of them while wearing my face._

“You guys can make that, right? Since you’ve done human transmutation before. Just don’t make a soul, take mine.”

“Do you even have a soul?” Alphonse points out. “Aren’t you a figment of the Dwarf’s soul?”

“Yeeeeah, and no. I was made by a figment of his soul. But basically I’m the Philosopher’s Stone. If you can get it in another body, then I should follow.”

“But... I can’t do alchemy anymore”, Edward says.

Greed blinks into Ling, who blinks back into Greed.

“You’re joking.”

“Wish I was.”

“Did you drop out of the military?”

“Duh?”

“How the hell did you even lose alchemy?”

“What, you think it’d be cheap to drag my brother out of the gate? I mean, in comparison, yeah, it was cheap.” He looks at Alphonse. “Hell, I would’ve traded myself if that didn’t mean we’d be apart.”

The two share a smile that Greed ignores.

“Nooo. No, guys, you’ve gotta get me a body. Al, kid, c’mon, you know how to make a body too. You didn’t lose your alchemy, did you?”

“Nope! Still got it.”

“Then you can do it!”

“I’ve never transmuted a soul, though? I don’t know how to.”

“Hmmm”, Edward goes. “Wait. Didn’t you transmute your own soul to get my arm back?”

“Uhhh, brother, I’m not sure I can- I don’t think I can do that right. It was my own soul, which had already been bound to an inanimate object! And I didn’t change its residence, my body had been calling out for it for months! I only sped up that process, I didn’t... I don’t think...”

“Yeah, but I’m not a soul? I’m more of a Stone than a human soul! You’ve used a Stone before, haven’t you?”

“Yeah, but...”

“Oh, jeez!” Winry shouts. “You guys are overthinking this! Ed just has to teach Al how to do it! Now, enough of this, let’s eat some pie!”

 

 

While Greed and Alphonse argue about human transmutation and Stones with Ling and Edward pretending to pay attention, Lan Fan presses the tips of her flesh fingers against the scar where her skin meets metal.

It’d been raining all day, yesterday. The sky is still grim.

“Does it hurt?” Winry asks.

“Yes.”

“Do you want me to check on it?”

Lan Fan turns her head slowly. “Would it be possible to alter it a bit?”

“Of course! It’s a bit expensive though.”

“I don’t think young master will have any problem with payment.”

 

 

“No, buddy, you just make the body. Just my body, not the soul. I thought you alchemists were quick thinkers! C’mon, kid, don’t prove me wrong.”

“I’m telling you I’m not sure making a dummy will be functional!”

_Hey, Greed._

“Why the fuck not? You’ve made a functional body when you were just a child.” _What do you want._

“But it wasn’t funtional! It was messed up and I lived in it, I would know!”

_Where’d the girls go?_

_I wasn’t paying attention._

“It wasn’t functional because you opened the portal! Nothing is functional when you try to cheat God, you just get fucked up.”

“Yeah, we’d know”, says Edward, who Greed had honestly thought to be asleep.

“So, you’re not cheating this time. Remember the immortal army or whatever? They were functional.”

“They were _zombies_.”

“Only because they were made out of plain Stones. I’m a homunculus, I have sentience. They didn’t.”

_Greed, let me out._

_I am_ trying _to hold a conversation._

_(Fuck off.)_

Ling drags Greed to the back of their body’s conscious and reads the Dragon’s Pulse.

_They’re upstairs._

_Hold on, back up, did you really just think an actual cuss at me? Ha! Kid I’m proud of you._

_Good._

_Ah, they grow up so fast._

“So how do we know you won’t turn into a plain Stone if you leave Ling’s body?”

“Because there’s nothing else that can happen. You can’t get rid of me that easily, c’mon, gimme some credit.” Ling adds another point, “Plus, that’s kinda how he appeared this time around. When I used the Philosopher’s Stone, he just. Poof. Hi, missed me?”

“Well, what where you expecting?” Greed says out loud. “You used me as an excuse to not give me to your old man.”

“Did not!”

“Did too and I quote a direct translation, ‘but there’s a monster in it that will never let you rest with your thoughts.’ You deny that, kid?”

“I wasn’t _lying_.”

“Good, neither am I. You were speculating. Hell, I bet you had me gone for good!”

“You had yourself gone for good.”

“Okay, stop”, Edward interjects, “as much fun as it is to watch a guy talk with himself-”

“Hey”, Ling’s mouth says. Neither he nor Greed is sure who spoke.

“-and I assure you I’m having the time of my _life_ , I think it’s safe to just take your word for it and, if worse comes to worse, we just have a flesh dummy to deal with.”

“But brother! That’s a lot of materials!”

“And we know exactly where to find them, don’t we?”

Alphonse narrows his eyes.  “Fine, whatever.”

Greed pumps his fist in the air. He then high-fives Ling, which is kinda awkward considering they. They share a body. They kinda just clap. Triumphantly. Edward frowns from second-hand awkwardness.

 

 

“Hey.”

Lan Fan’s head turns around. The guest room their hosts shoved them in is too dark to see details.

“Yes?”

“What’d the girl do to your arm?”

“She made it slightly lighter. The blade was also altered and positioned differently.”

“...Does it still hurt?”

“Who’s asking?”

Greed frowns. Ling frowns. Ling’s thoughts frown. Greed can’t really frown in their head as clearly as Ling, but his thoughts are pretty clear.

“I thought you could tell by now.”

“I can, mostly. But I’m trying to sleep. I don’t want to alert myself enough to tell you apart when you speak so softly.”

“You can tell if we speak loudly?”

“Of course.”

_My voice is different._

_Even though you’re using_ my _vocal chords._

_I’m using them_ correctly.

“Oh, fuck you, Greed.”

_Maybe later._

“My lord?”

Greed laughs in their head. _Got you to say a curse out loud. In front of her, no less!_

“Ugh.”

_Just a while longer, buddy. Soon we’ll be apart._

_(That stung.)_

_(Of course it does.)_

“My lord?” Lan Fan repeats.

“It’s just... We’ve been headmates for a long time.”

“So you have.”

“It’ll be weird.”

_Are you telling me sharing thoughts with a literal, actual sin isn’t weird?_

“No, I’m telling you I’ve shared thoughts with you for too long a time for me not to consider it the usual.”

_It’s not that long._

“It’s over a year, total. It might not be long for you but _I’m_ not nearing two centuries.”

“My lord?”

_Been speaking out loud, kid._

“Sorry, Lan Fan. What were we saying? Oh.” Ling turns his head to her. _He_ might not see things well, but _she_ does. “Does it hurt?”

“Not right now.”

She turns on her side, or something, and Ling can see a vaguely dark outline of her blade poking out of her form against the white wall.

“Did it, before?”

“It stopped about an hour after miss Rockbell altered it.”

“You think she might’ve fixed it?”

“No, my lord. She only altered it a bit.”

“Lan Fan”, Ling whines. “I have a name.”

“It would be inappropriate of me to use it.”

“Fine, I get not using the brat’s name, he’s the prince or whatever. What about mine? It’s a nice name.”

“You don’t deserve to be called by name.”

_Liiiing. Tell your girl to stop picking on me._

_You’re picking on her too._

_You were asking for the same thing!_

_I was being respectful._

“Lan Fan, we would both appreciate it if you called us by name.”

“No.”

“Yes?”

“Are you asking me, homunculus?”

“Yes. Call us by name?” Greed passes the mental wheel to Ling. “Please.”

“That was young master, wasn’t it?”

“Yes. Please”, Ling insists. Greed grabs the wheel, “I’m not my big bro, sweedams, you’ve got the wrong sin if you think I’m too proud to beg. Please, Lan Fan, bodyguard of the-”

_Shit did you get promoted yet or what._

_Not yet._

“- _prince_ of Xing and future Emperor, fierce warrior, lady of bravery, ninja of metal, master of blades and explosions, I’m running out of titles, Lan Fan c’mon, what’s the worst that can happen-”

“Nobody in this room keeps their dignity?” she sounds like she’s smiling.

“Nobody in this room has any dignity left. I think we all trashed it separately and then delivered the final blow together when I died.”

“That was pretty... hm. Is there a word derivative for dignity that can be used in this context?”

Greed racks his brain for the word. Ling laughs to hide his curiosity.

“Fuck if I know. Never took well to learning the useless stuff.”

“I believe proper knowledge of a language is not useless. And, aren’t you called the Avaricious? You should seek to obtain everything. Knowledge above all.”

“Ha! Girl’s got it right. I guess ‘indignifying’ will have to do for now.”

“I suppose.”

“And don’t think I didn’t notice you avoiding my name.”

“Greed”, she says. “The Avaricious. And, um, young lord?”

“Yes?” Ling says.

“Ling Yao, 12th prince of Xing.”

“When you say the whole title it sounds wrong.”

“I do what I can.”

Ling suddenly gets an idea. A horrible idea. Greed approves of it, _that_ should be enough to indicate how much of a horrible idea it is. Because it is. Horrible.

_Go for it, kid._

“Lan Fan?”

“Yes?”

“How wide is your bed?”

“I believe it’s a twin size.”

_Haha, yesss. Go, kid, go go go._

“Can I scoot in there with you?”

“Are... you cold, my lord?”

“No.”

_She’s not talking._

_No, really? I wouldn’t have noticed! Thanks, Greed!_

“You can say no if you don’t want me to.”

“It’s not you I’m worried about.”

“I’ll behave, kid. Anyway, Ling is in charge now, remember? I’m only talking because he’s letting me.”

“Young lord... I mean, Ling.”

“Yes?”

“Why do you wish to... come here?”

_Haha._

_What._

_That can be taken as an innuendo._

_How is that in any way sexual?_

Greed gives Ling a brief lesson in Amestrian and synonyms. Ling mind-punches Greed in the soul face.

_I did not need to know that._

_You did if I’m getting a body of my own. I can’t always be explaining my jokes, that takes the fun out of them._

_There are plenty of other topics for jokes to be made._

_Do you wanna sit here and criticize my jokes or are you gonna answer her?_

This, of course, is an unnecessary concern to have, considering they’re thinking at each other and so their conversation barely takes up any time at all.

“I just do. I’m... not sure, actually.”

_Tell her you want to taste her skin._

_(Okay maybe I do but) that is foul will you stop I’m not saying that._

_Maybe she wants to taste_ your _skin._

“I’m not gonna jump in your bed if you want me out of it. But tell me if you do?”

“I don’t.” Fabric rustles and, oh, she’s holding up the blanket for him to crawl under.

He does so, and immediately adds, “I encourage you to kick me to the floor if I do something you don’t want me to. Or if Greed annoys you.”

“Ling, it’s okay.”

_Your name sounds like honey on her tongue._

Ling settles close enough that Lan Fan’s arm lands on him when she lets the blanket down. Ouch, metal.

“Can I touch you?”

“Of course. We’re already touching, anyway.”

“No, I mean. Flesh. Skin, not metal.”

“Of course, my lord.”

_Dammit girl you almost had it._

“I’m not asking as your lord.”

_Kid if she kicks us out of bed I’m blaming you._

_Who else would you have to blame?_

_Hey, I take blame and give credit way more than most people do._

“Okay”, says Lan Fan. “Okay.”

Ling snakes an arm under her steel one to hug her around the waist. He pulls a little closer, and tucks his forehead under her chin. She breathes deep.

_Is she sniffing us?_

_Might be. (Nice)_

_You’ve gotta work on you cuddling, kid. Her automail’s gonna hurt your arm, and moving isn’t really your best plan when you’re trying to sleep._

_What am I supposed to do, then?_

Greed has a few ideas to pass on, but Ling shuts them off when he notices none of them involve much clothing.

“Father help me, I haven’t left this body yet, it’s still mine. I don’t care if you wanna be an angsty teenager, Ling, but good lord she has better things to do than wait for your whiny ass.”

_Talking out loud, Greed._

_I know. It was on purpose._

“What are you and the prince talking about?”

Greed arches an eyebrow.  “You.”

“How so?”

“Let’s pretend he’s not here for a moment.”

_Hey!_

_I’m working for_ you, _kid._

“Would you let me touch you?”

_(You’re working for yourself you selfish bastard.)_

_I’m working for you too, buddy. Would I lie?_

“You already are.”

“No. Ling touched you. I haven’t moved a muscle. Would you let me touch you?”

“I suppose I wouldn’t care.”

“Ouch. Okay, what if I touched you more?”

“Explain?”

“Can I show you?”

_Smooth._

_Decades of experience. I call you kid for a reason._

“Alright”, she says.

Greed pulls her until her chest is flush against his, his arms clutching around her waist and bunching fistfuls of the back of her shirt.

“You can still kick me out of the bed”, he tells her throat. “Just reminding you.”

“I would, if I wanted to; don’t you worry.”

He presses a kiss on her pulse and waits.

_She’s not protesting._

_She’s not exactly encouraging, either._

He leaves a few more kisses on her skin until her flesh hand finds its way to his hair.

_Okay, she’s encouraging._

She plays with a few strands as Greed continues making out with her neck. Ling protests when the kisses turn wet.

_Ling, imma show you something good. Come closer._

Ling does as told, edging closer to his body’s awareness and grabbing at its senses. Greed tastes Lan Fan’s skin.

_Oh_ , goes Ling.

_Delicious, ain’t she?_

“Greed”, Lan Fan rasps. “Can you, can you come up here?”

_Ha._ Your _name sounds like ash in her throat._

_Good. Ash is made of carbon._

Greed tips her to her back and uses the movement to get to eye level with her. He’s hovering over her, really. He taps around the bedstand and she graciously turns on the lamp herself. Said lamp is pretty fucking weak, but whatever. It’s bright enough to see her face and not one of them is going to complain.

She places her hands on either side of his face.

“Is my automail bothersome?”

“Not in the slightest”, Greed says and throws carbon to the side of his face that’s covered in metal. “I’m hella enjoying it.” He pulls the carbon away and kisses the heel of her metal palm, then licks up to the tip of her forefinger.

She twists her hand to the back of his head and pulls him down.

_Kid c’mon. Don’t creep back in there, you only get senses if you’re at the front._

_It’s_ you _she’s kissing._

_I know I like to talk big about owning everything you own, but this is still your body. Your mouth. You don’t even have to control it, just hijack the feeling. You know I’m gonna hijack yours when you get your turn._

_I’ll get a turn?_

_Duh? Buddy I’m getting a new body. The least I can do before I leave you is teach you how to treat a lady._

Ling burns bright red in his mind. Greed snickers in Lan Fan’s mouth.

“He’s being so ridiculous, I swear.”

“Ridiculous how?” Lan Fan says, more successful than Greed in hiding her amusement.

“He’s all”, Greed kisses a trail down her neck again, “trying to respect my privacy, or I don’t know what. Like I have one. What is it, Ling? Dignity? I thought we all agreed we buried that damn thing.”

Lan Fan laughs, and Ling cherishes the sound. Especially when it turns breathy and high at Greed’s handiwork.

_(Mouthwork.)_

_Sound guy, are you? I can make her make noise._

_No, no this is fine. Do your thing. (Delicious.)_

“Hey, Lan Fan.”

She hums in response and oh, sounds can be delicious too.

 “What if I told you I’m trying to get Ling to feel what I’m feeling. Physically.”

“What do you mean?”

“He’s trying to shy away from my senses like he doesn’t want just as much to taste you”, he drags his tongue across her collarbones, “or hear you.”

_Oh come on, Greed, if you were trying to hook us up you could’ve had the decency to not wedge yourself in the middle._

“That’s not what I’m doing, buddy. But hey, do you want a turn?”

_Nonononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononono_

“You fucking liar. Hey, Lan Fan.”

“Yes?”

“Wanna let the prince try this out?”

“Please.”

_Nononono Greed no I will scream. I will literally scream._

“Psh. Can you honestly look at her and tell me you don’t want her?”

_Greed, no. No, Greed._

_Yes Greed. Good luck._

Ling makes extra sure to bury his entire face in Lan Fan’s shoulder.

“Nooo”, he whines before he accepts his fate. “Hey, Lan Fan.”

“Hey, Ling.”

_Huh. It does sound like honey._

_Told you._

“Are you... not comfortable? With this situation?”

“No, no, Lan Fan, that’s not it, I just.” Ling coughs a laugh. “I have no idea what to do.”

“It’s okay, neither do I”, she laughs.

He pulls his face out of the crook of her neck and rests his weight on his elbows and forearms.

She’s blushing all the way to her ears and wearing a small grin when he meets her eyes.

“Can I kiss you?” he asks.

“Yes please”, she answers.

_That was beautiful_ , Greed says.

Ling flips him off and leans down just as Lan Fan leans up.

_Holy shit._

_Doesn’t compare, does it?_

_I’m kissing Lan Fan._

_And not doing half bad._

Ling pulls back and hides his face in Lan Fan’s collarbone.

_Wait hold on what do I do next?_

Lan Fan plays with his hair again, the bangs that always stick out. A hum rises in her chest and tickles his nose.

_I can give you a few pointers if you want._

“You can take your pointers and shove them right up your ass.”

_I can think of a few other things I’d rather shove up my ass._

“Ling?”

“How can one person be so lewd.”

_I’m not a person, Ling. Shoulda noticed by now._

“To his defense, he’s not exactly a human”, Lan Fan provides.

“That’s exactly what he just said.”

Lan Fan laughs. Ling tries and fails to resist laughing back. Greed has no trouble laughing in the open. As open as a soul can get, anyway.

“Oh my God.”

“I know.”

“I can’t believe this is happening.”

“I’m having trouble myself.”

“While Greed is hitching a ride in my brain.” Ling laughs in Lan Fan’s neck. “Also I just swore at him.”

“So I heard”, she laughs.

“Out loud.”

“Mhm.”

“Mmmmmhhh”, Ling hums. “I don’t know what you’re doing but it’s great.”

She scratches his head again and he _melts._

_Holy shit._

_Kid you’re swearing up a storm tonight!_

“If I could think, I’d think of an answer, but I can’t think right now.”

“Am I distracting you, my l- Ling?”

“Yes. Keep it up, it’s great.”

_Don’t leave the lady hanging, come on._

_I still don’t know what to do._

_Improvise! Fuck, do I have to tell you everything? Just do what comes natural, what are you worried about?_

_That she’ll compare us._

_Trust me, Ling, what you lack in skill you make up in emotion. She’s not nearly as attached to me as she is to you._

Ling tries a few kisses at her neck. Lan Fan’s metal hand slides down his back.

_Okay, okay._

_Doin’ good._

_Oh God I can feel another horrible idea coming._

_How horrible can it be?_

Ling kisses her right collarbone from dip to end. He repeats the same on the left and only stops when he meets steel. Lan Fan’s flesh hand stops moving.

He rests his cheek on her shoulder. He doesn’t miss the deep breath she takes before she meets his gaze.

“Does it hurt?”

“Only a little.”

He kisses the edge where it joins her skin.


	2. Greed you fucker

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw for death discussion and blood

“But what about your shirt.”

Greed looks down. “What about my shirt?”

“Not this one! The one you wore at Dublith. The red marks were _on_ the shirt, and when you carbonated your skin, the shirt kinda... I’m not sure, _fused_ with the carbon.”

“Oh. Yeah, that’s a part of the body. Though, if you make it right, you shouldn’t have to worry about adding the shirt. I can do it by myself, thank you.”

“So it’s like a perma-shield? What about those bracelets you had? They disappeared when you shielded anything past your wrists.”

“It’s not a perma- ugh, no. They’re part of my body. Like, don’t you wonder why our clothes regenerated along with our flesh? Damn it you’ve seen Gluttony pull himself back from being literal _pieces_ with his clothes on.”

“I guess that makes sense for the shirt, but the bracelets?”

“It’s the same damn thing! Like, ugh, who had- oh. Lust, you were there when she died, weren’t you?”

Alphonse winces. “Yes.”

_Who’s Lust?_

“And I hear she died by fire. Didn’t she regenerate her dress too? Even though it’s not skintight all the way down.”

_Greed, who’s Lust?_

Greed brings forth an image of her tattoo, a pan down her form, an impression of the feeling of her hair in the wind, a memory of her claws inching in and hesitating before piercing his skin.

_Someone._

“I think so. I’m not sure, though, I couldn’t see her well. She was kinda in flames, in case you forgot.”

_Nope, definitely did not forget._

Ling’s soul jumps back at the memory of Greed’s lava bath.

“Yeah, well, whatever. If you make it right, then I can make the bracelets myself, you don’t gotta worry about it.”

“You keep saying that like I know how to ‘make it right’! I’m only asking to _get it_ right, and your answers are not helping at all!”

_Who was she?_

_I told you._

_Who was she_ to you?

“Listen kid, I didn’t make my body. Pops did. So unless you’ve lost it enough to go knocking on the gate again, you’ll only know what I can tell you, and what I can tell you is how I controlled it, not created it.”

Edward glares over the rim of his book.

_My sister. The second homunculus. Lust the Lascivious._

_Lust the what._

_What greed is to want, lust is to sex drive._

_What!_

“But, back at Dublith, you said you could teach me how to make a homunculus if I told you how to transmute a soul.”

“Turns out we’ll be having that deal, huh?”

_What’s up with her nails in that one memory?_

_The ultimate spear? Like my ultimate shield, or Wrath’s ultimate eye. Her claws can pierce anything or whatever._

_Even your shield?_

Greed thinks of fighting her. Sparring, more like it, it was neither serious nor mean. It was fun, even. Her spear met his shield no different than what it’d be like if her nails were to dig in his skin. His shield dented, flexible, and her claws bent, curling. Not like they were supposed to. Memory-Greed grew irritated for one reason or the other, dodged a claw to the side, grabbed it, brought it down to his knee. Except it never made contact. He snapped his head around to see Lust, her claws retracted, her eyes wide, her brow knit, her mouth drooping.

“So you lied back then?”

_Do they break?_

_They’re called ultimate spear, kid._ I’m _the one who can’t break._

“No, buddy, I don’t lie. When are you people gonna screw that in your heads. I was mostly thinking of throwing you at Father with the promise that he’d teach you.”

_Has she ever done anything I’d know of?_

“So I guess, if you don’t know anything about making a homunculus, we’re gonna have to eyeball it...”

_She did everything._

“I know a few things.”

_Everything?_

_Everything and everyone._

“But not about the bracelets.”

_Even you?_

“Will you ease up on the fucking bracelets? I can just wear normal ones for all I care!”

_Greed, answer me._

“Yes, even me! Is that such a hard thing to believe? Holy shit kid, it’s like you don’t even know me.”

“Uh”, goes Alphonse. Edward lowers his book.

_Didn’t you say she was your sister?_

“Are you fucking shitting me right now, Ling? Can you honestly and without any bullshit say that either of us gave the slightest ounce of a fuck about something as trivial as your shitty-ass morals?”

_You sure are getting worked up over this._

“Of course I am! I don’t know if you’ve ever noticed, but there are very few things I haven’t done and one of them is mourning my _dead fucking sister_.”

“Dude”, Edward says.

“What, what do _you_ want _now_?”

Alphonse places his hands in front of his chest in surrender.

_You didn’t seem to be grieving her when you left Pride in Hohenheim’s trap._

“DO I SEEM TO BE GRIEVING HER NOW?”

_No. In fact, you seem to be tainting her memory._

“Yes! Would you look at that I don’t know how to fucking grieve!”

“Dude”, Edward says again, but his time, it sounds less like _stop_ and more like _please._

Ling thinks of shrugging his jacket off to patch Lan Fan’s shoulder with. He thinks of tying her still-warm arm on a mutt and leaving her behind.

He thinks of Fu, cut open but still fighting.

Greed collapses to the ground.

_You grieved your friend Bido good._

_That was good?_

_That was good._

A hand finds Greed’s shoulder. Alphonse’s, Ling vaguely realizes; Edward is still on the other side of the room.

“What’s wrong?” he asks, kneeling to eye-level.

“Everything.”

 

 

“Greed?”

“What.”

“May I speak with young master?”

“It’ll cost you a kiss”, Greed says and leans low. Ling shoves himself at the front.

“Don’t mind him, Lan Fan. What did you want?”

“Um, about last night”, she says, but doesn’t continue.

_Oh no._

Her eyes are cast somewhere between Ling’s chest and shoulder, her flesh hand clutching her automail to her side.

_Nononono_

_Will you chill the fuck out?_

_No no this is bad no she’s having regrets I’m sure of it damn it that was a horrible idea_

_Ling, shut up._

_I bet she can’t even look at me without getting (hurt) oh my God what have I done why why why_

_Cut the shit out! The last thing I need right now is your fucking teen nerves agitating me!_

_No no no no_

_Shut up and listen for one shitfucking moment! And keep your conclusions to yourself!_

_And you, you didn’t even try to stop me oh God why, why did I not realize what a terrible idea the whole thing was!_

_STOP THAT!_ Greed punches Ling’s soul in the face.

Which, of course, brings back loving memories of the last time Greed punched him in the face, and those memories in turn make him lock up in the very back of his head. Greed is left with the wheel of the body.

“Wait, Lan Fan, hold on.” _Get back here!_

“What is it?”

“Kid’s being ridiculous.”

Lan Fan pales. “How so?”

_Oh no see she hates me now this is my life the only time I get to choose who I make out with I mess it up so bad she can’t even talk to me_

_You’re the one who’s refusing to talk to her! Get your ass here!_

“Okay. Okay”, Ling says. “Uh, you were saying?”

“I, I wanted to ask you about last night, is what I was saying.”

“Ask me what?”

_Please don’t hate me please don’t hate me_

_CHILL!_

“I apologize for not mentioning it at the time, but... you looked- you seemed rather uncomfortable at the whole situation. Are you, do you resent me for any actions taken last night?”

“I- what? Me?”

Greed guffaws loud and messy. _You fuckers were thinking the exact same thing._

_She doesn’t hate me?_

_Kid she was worried_ you _’d hate her! Damn, talk about soul mates._

_What? (She doesn’t hate me)_

_Just tell her you don’t hate her either. Don’t leave her hanging._

“No, Lan Fan, no, what? Why would I resent you?”

“You looked very off-put.”

“Nooo.”

_See kid? That’s what hesitating gets you. Enjoy the mess._

“Lan Fan, last night was fun. And, and if you too think it was fun, I’d love nothing more than to try again.”

She smiles, finally looks him in the eye. “I do think it was fun.”

“We try again sometime?”

“We try again sometime.”

_Haha lovebirds._

“Hopefully after Greed has got his body back.”

_Aw, what?_

“Well, what were you expecting? It’s funky enough to have you in my brain when Lan Fan’s blowing it away.”

Lan Fan laughs.

_Smooth, kid, but I’m still hurt._

“You shouldn’t be so hard with him, my lord.”

“You guys keep saying the same stuff and it kinda worries me.”

They both laugh. Ling tries to pout. ‘Tries’ being the key word.

“Anyway Greed was fun too. Wanna try again when you get a body, buddy?”

_Hells to the yes._

“Lan Fan?”

“If he agrees to it as well.”

“Then it’s settled.”

_Oh my God I just got both of you to agree to a threesome._

_Did I tell you I was proud? Because that’s what I am. Good job, kid, couldn’t have done it better._

_I feel my knees weak. Greed, take the wheel._

_With_ that _blushing face? I don’t think so. Come back when you’re presentable._

_Wow fuck off?_

_Soon, buddy._

Greed watches Edward as he stretches his arms over his head.

_It’s still kinda weird that they’re both flesh now._

_I know right? In contrast-_

His eyes glide over to where Lan Fan is doing her own stretches. She’s taken her blade off, but there are still way too many things sharp and dangerous about her automail. Like her knuckles. Ling winces at the very thought.

_Did I ever tell you about the time the runt reversed my shield and was basically the only decent fight I had after I’d left the other homunculi?_

Winry and Alphonse stand to his right. They’re cheering already.

_Only a thousand times. I like that memory too, you know. You’re not the only one who’s having fun when you recall it._

Lan Fan rolls her shoulders. Edward raises his fists.

_I know._

And they charge.

“Go, Ed!”

“Aim for her legs!”

“No! Her arm! Her arm!”

“Lan Fan kick his ass!”

He throws her over his shoulder. Ling grins upon recognizing the move.

_Okay, tell me what she’s doing._

_See how she’s positioning her feet? The moment she touches the ground she’s gonna roll on them and strike him back. It’s a very fast move; she’ll have hit him before she’s done landing._

Lan Fan rolls her feet, and while Greed watches her bottom limbs, he misses out on her upper. Edward is knocked to his knees. Lan Fan lands and goes to roundhouse kick him in the head. She cuts herself short.

Edward falls over anyway.

“Yeah! Who’s the best bodyguard in the world? Lan Fan! Lan Fan! I can’t hear you guys!” Greed cups his hand around his ear and leans towards Winry and Alphonse. “Who’s the best automail fighter?”

“Lan Fan!” cheers Alphonse.

“Al! He might be hurt!”

“I’m not denying your knowledge on injuries or anything, Winry, but this is Ed. My brother. He’s survived way worse than this. If I’d gotten an organ for every time he got a serious head injury, I would’ve gotten my body two years earlier.”

_How can he joke about it?_

_Coping mechanism, buddy. (Haha is it fucked up that_ Gluttony got eaten _or what.) People joke about the things they wish they wouldn’t take seriously._

Lan Fan helps Edward to his feet.

“Best two outta three!” he yells.

She looks at the group of cheerleaders.

“It’s Greed, girl! Do what you want, I’m not gonna order you.”

_Not unless you want me to._

_OH MY GOD GREED can you go six hours without a dirty joke?_

_I could, but why would I?_

Edward wins the second round via metal kick to Lan Fan’s stomach. Halfway through the third round he starts insulting Ling, using the first – and only – successful tactic he’s ever executed against Lan Fan.

Greed takes it mock-personally.

“You wanna come say that to my face you little punk?!”

“Who are you calling little?”

“Greed!” Winry says. “Don’t interfere!”

“Oh come on, I’m only being fair! She might not be saying anything, but if Edward wants to strike people’s nerves, he should have his stricken too! It’s not like there can be that many in such a small body.”

“Wait ‘till I’m done here and I’ll fucking show you small body!”

“I wanna let you know that Ling has told me time and again not to flirt with any of you guys while wearing his face!”

_Don’t you dare, Greed._

“But I didn’t sign shit! So, Ed, are you gonna show and compare or are we gonna be-” Ling ushers Greed down. Too late, though, everyone is staring.

_Want to deal with all their eyes on you?_

_I’m not gonna let you finish that sentence._

_I can do a few other sentences._

“I’m gonna regret this later”, Ling says. “Sure you will”, Greed answers. “C’mon, Ed, answer the question.”

“That question is extremely inappropriate!” Winry says.

“He started it!”

“No, you started it, with your quips and jabs at him!”

“So, he started it with his quips and jabs at Lan Fan.”

“I can assure you I’m more than capable of defeating him on my own, Greed.”

“Sure you are, sweetheart.”

Alphonse laughs.

_(Of course he does, the damn shipper.)_

_The damn what? We’ve been sharing thoughts too long for me to find Amestrian weird still._

_(Just wait ‘till I get him in the same room as May.)_

_Knowing them, it’s not gonna be as amusing as you like to think. They’ll probably confess in a matter of minutes._

_If those two end up being the most mature of the entire group I’m going to rip my hair out, mark my words._

_I hope that hair ripping happens after you leave my body._

_Hell nah, I need my hair._

Greed stares down the pile of minerals and other shit in front of him.

“Shouldn’t there be, like... water? A lot more water than this?”

“There’s enough water.”

“This looks like a pile of dirt. Shouldn’t it at least be a puddle of dirt?”

“Do you know how to construct a human body from scratch?” Alphonse snaps, whipping his head around to glare at Greed. “Have you ever used alchemy to create a living organism? Have you ever used alchemy period?”

“Technically my healing is alchemy. Probably my shield, too.”

“But you can’t use that, can you? Your healing is more of a reflex and your shield is such a specific transmutation that it doesn’t even cause any discharge as a reaction.”

“Uh.”

“Greed, take a damn look around.”

Greed takes a damn look around. Winry and Lan Fan stand somewhere off to the side so as to stay out of the way. Edward is measuring materials on the other side of the pile. Alphonse holds a bottle full of what, iron? Who knows. Greed is supposed to sit with the girls until it’s time for the transfer, but he can’t help but fidget around the brothers. He’s crouching next to where Alphonse is seated on the grass.

“Okay?”

“Please count how many people here have the experience and ability required to perform human transmutation.”

It’s not human transmutation, but for some reason he insists on calling it that.

“One.”

“And who is that?”

“You.”

“Ah. Me. Not you. Me, and me only. I know what I’m doing. And I can do it. I’ve done it before. Is that right?”

“Yyyes?”

“Then could you please be so kind as to do me and favor and shut the craphole you call a mouth so I can do this shit without fucking it up?”

Edward whistles. Greed leans back on the heels of his feet.

“But isn’t the human body supposed to be, like, 60% water?”

“65 and then some, for you. But not really, people say it’s water but it’s actually just random fluids, most of it blood, and those are made by combining this stuff.”

“Was 55 last time”, Edward says.

“Was a woman last time”, Alphonse mumbles and turns back to measure his iron.

_Greed, leave them be. They’re probably having enough flashbacks without you asking for details._

_I just want to have a functional body!_

_Don’t you trust them?_

Greed peers down the front of Edward’s shirt, just because he hasn’t buttoned it all the way up. There’s metal sticking out of his flesh just below his collarbone and scars that make no sense if one doesn’t know exactly what happened there.

_I’ve died for them. (I’ve died for you.)_

The Elrics finish measuring, double-check and triple-check their materials.

“Okay. Okay. Gonna do it now”, says Alphonse.

“Don’t you need the human transmutation circle? Ed needed it even if he could clap one.”

“It’s not human transmutation!”

“Oh.”

“Okay, Greed, anything else you gotta say?”

Ling hears the thought before Greed voices it.

_Don’t you dare say that with my mouth-_

“Make my dick big.”

_GREED YOU FUCKER_

Lan Fan pulls her collar up over her face. Alphonse stops halfway through raising his hands and slooowly turns to catch Greed’s eyes.

“What.”

“Make my dick big.”

_OH MY FUCKING GOD I can’t believe you’re repeating it, even!_

“Define ‘big’.”

“Al!” yells Winry.

_Greed can you do me a favor and slit my throat once you leave my body? Thanks._

“Like, you know, big. But not too big, it’s still gotta fit in a mouth.”

“Mouths can be different sizes.”

Edward laughs behind the hand he’s put on his face. Fucker’s probably the only one having fun.

“Okay, make it big, but not so big that it can’t fit in _this_ mouth”, Greed says, and opens wide.

“Okay, that’s it”, Ling takes control of his body and makes sure to snap his jaw closed extra hard. He turns and starts walking the opposite direction.

Edward bursts out laughing.

“Ed, this isn’t funny!”

“Sorry, but –pfffthhahahaha – this is hilarious, Winry.”

“No it’s not!”

“It really is.”

_I’ve gotta side with Ed on this one, kid._

_And_ I’ve _gotta side with Winry! Forget six hours, can’t you go_ one _hour without making a dirty joke?_

Ling breathes in. Greed breathes out.

“Okay, I’m back. Just do whatever.”

Alphonse claps. The air fills with static.

Lan Fan’s face is still behind the top of her shirt and Edward turns around, puts a hand on the house’s wall and wheezes between laughs.

“That big?”

Greed leans his head to the side. “Yeah, sure.”

Alphonse transmutes some clothes on the body.

“Okay, you can look n- Winry!”

Winry isn’t even fazed. “So what are those red marks on your shoulders? You don’t have them now, do you?”

“Nope. They actually only happen when there’s no base for the homunculus. Technically they’re not needed here, but I like them.”

“Envy had some. Despite the lizard base.”

“Envy could change their appearance as they damn well pleased. They liked them too. Only theirs weren’t funtional.”

“They have a function?”

“Yeah.”

“...Well, what is it?”

“I’m not telling you! That’s how Bradley killed me the first time.”

“Oh. These aren’t functional, anyway.”

“Mmm.”

_What do they do?_

_(Stab-here targets, they incapacitate us) I’m not telling you._

_(Too late.)_

Alphonse does a few more transmutations, apparently to make sure that each vital system is functional. For the nervous one, he does three separate transmutations.

“Okay, there’s that. I should probably make the blood last, what else am I missing?”

“Respiratory and reproductive”, says Edward.

_If you make a joke about this._

“What’s there to make a joke out of, kid? Homunculi don’t reproduce, I’ll be sterile either way. I mean, I’m not gonna tell him what to do here, it’s just. Not an important part. Not as important as breathing, anyway.”

Alphonse transmutes the last three systems.

“Okay, now we just need to get you out of _that_ and into _this_.”

“And, uh... how? Do we do that?”

“Well, how did you get in there last time? Mixed the Stone with the blood again?”

“Actually”, Ling says, “I just swallowed the Stone in its liquid form.”

Alphonse squints. He looks at Edward, who stops squinting in order to shrug.

“You know Kimblee?”

“No.”

“He was a state alchemist. Anyway, he had swallowed a stone.”

“So?”

“For several years.”

“...So?”

“So, how the fuck did you work?”

“I think it might be because Pops is dead, and I was the last homunculus to die without a base. Also, the Stone Ling swallowed was liquid.”

Alphonse looks at his brother again.

“Fuck it. Get out of there.”

“How?”

Alphonse claps, then places both palms on Ling’s torso.

Ling falls to the side. He coughs uncontrollably, Lan Fan hoists him up to sit.

_Kid I’m not dying._

_I’m scared you are anyway._

Ling throws up blood.

You _look more like it._

_We’re in the same damn body!_

_Not for long._

_Oh shit, don’t leave me._

_I’m not leaving you. I’m just giving you some space._

_But I like sharing my space with you!_

_Hey, Ling. I’m probably never gonna say this out loud, but it’d be good if someone heard it._

Ling keeps throwing up blood and it starts pooling on the grass. Lan Fan tries to steady him.

_What?_

_I really fucking appreciate the whole friend thing._

_Yeah._

_You guys are still my possessions._

_Hearing this from the guy who literally possessed me is soothing._

_(I just hella love that I’m your possession too.)_

Ling wheezes. His blood on the ground clots together until it’s a jelly-like substance. He goes into another coughing fit.

“There’s more?” someone – Winry – says.

“No”, Ling dry heaves, “No, he’s gone.” He stares down at the back of his left hand. It’s blank.

Alphonse carefully picks up the Stone. He cuts Greed’s forearm and pours the Stone in the cut. He then transmutes the blood into action.

Edward looks away.

Ling can’t get his eyes off of the sight. Suddenly every jolt of pain he’d felt when Greed was entering his body makes sense. The body thrashes and twitches and things stick out in odd angles, bones and muscles arranging themselves however Greed sees fit. Joints twist and blood comes out of the mouth and Alphonse scrunches his eyes shut.

Ling only realizes he’d been holding his breath when the body goes still and red static sparks around it. He breathes out just as the body finishes all reactions it apparently deemed necessary.

Greed opens his eyes, and breathes.

“How do you feel?” is the first thing Alphonse asks.

“Thirsty”, is the answer Greed rasps.

“Can you move?”

“I feel heavy. Fuck it, I’m gonna take a nap.”

His eyes close again. Ling slumps down against Lan Fan.

“Ling?”

“Mm?”

“Are you okay?”

“Just dizzy.”

“You did just lose a lot of blood.”

Ling rests his head on her shoulder.

“Winry”, Edward says. Both Xingese drag their eyes to the source of the sound. “Winry, come on.”

Winry is on her knees and staring at Greed with all the color drained from her skin. Her eyes don’t fit in their sockets.

“Winry, please, come on, look at me. Hey. Hey, Winry.”

“Hey hey hey”, Alphonse joins in, scooting over to break her line of sight. “Hey, he’s fine. He’s fine, he’s alright. Winry. It’s okay. Hey, look at me, talk to me.”

“Please, Winry. Come back, talk.”

“He’s alive and well, come on, can you move?”

“Hey. Hey, look at me.” Edward turns her head until their faces are inches apart. “Speak, come on Winry.”

“He”, Winry says. She doesn’t continue. Instead, she coughs a sob.

The brothers exchange a look of pure horror before they hug around her and spew comforting nothings at her.

“Lan Fan, we gotta get up”, Ling says.

“Why.”

“We have to, Greed’s, we have to get him water.”

“I don’t think it’s a good idea for you to leave him. I’ll go get some water myself.”

“No, no, Lan Fan, stay with me.”

“Ling, you’re not going anywhere. I either leave you or he stays thirsty.”

“No, Lan Fan, stay.”

“Are you-”

“Please, please, Lan Fan.”

Lan Fan looks up at the cuddlepile of Amestrians, all of whom seem to have calmed down. In fact, they’re looking at her. Her and Ling. She fights a frown.

“Could one of you bring some water for Greed? And, um”, she looks down at the prince she’s got gathered in her arms. “And for Ling, too?”

“Thank you”, Ling mutters in her neck.

Edward helps Winry in the house, but Alphonse stays to keep an eye on Greed.

“How’re you doing, Ling?” he says.

“I feel like absolute shit.”

“Well, at least you can answer.”

Lan Fan rests her cheek on top of Ling’s head when Alphonse looks at Greed again.

Edward and Winry come back, both on their feet and each carrying a glass of water and a piece of pie neatly put on a plate. Winry hands hers to Alphonse and Edward hands his to Lan Fan.

“Ling, water.”

Ling’s hands tremble when he takes the glass. Lan Fan doesn’t let go while he drinks it.

“Should we wake Greed up, or...?”

“Give him a while”, Ling says. But it’s too weak, and Lan Fan has to repeat it for the rest to hear.

“There’s pie”, Lan Fan offers. “You want a bite?”

“No, no ugh, I feel like throwing up. Get me to Greed.”

Lan Fan scoots by Greed’s head, dragging Ling with her. He places a tender hand on Greed’s chest. Lan Fan watches the hand go up and down with every breath.

“He’s alive.”

“So he is.”

“My God, he’s alive.”

Lan Fan hums, brushes her flesh hand over Ling’s head.

Ling taps Greed’s nose, shakes his shoulder, pokes his cheek.

“What.” Greed says, eyes still closed.

“Wake up you fucker, we have water.”

“And pie”, Alphonse adds.

Greed squints his eyes open. “Shit’s too bright.”

“Deal with it.”

Lan Fan and Edward help Greed sit up. He drinks his water and eats his pie, and then fucks off back to sleep.

“You could at least get in the house.”

“You could at least shut up and let a damn sin sleep.”

Alphonse transmutes a hand that carries Greed all the way to the doorstep, where it promptly drops him. He cusses it out.

Edward has to manhandle Greed inside and to the couch, like hell is he dragging a limp homunculus all the way upstairs to a bed.

Lan Fan sets Ling in the armchair.

“You should get some rest”, she says.

“No, I wanna be awake when he wakes up.”

“How about you doze off a little, and I’ll stay right here and tell you if he wakes up?”

“Sure”, Ling says. “Sure, why not.” He sinks in his seat and tucks his chin to his chest. “Don’t leave me.”

“I won’t. Not ever.”


	3. Never have I ever

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> in which they Actually Fuck and holy shit can you believe this is the first smut i've ever written ever because i can't

Greed apparently decides that looking at Ling for too long is too abstract to handle. Instead he catches glimpses that slowly become longer. Three days after getting on his feet, he can survive about ten seconds before looking away.

Ling’s having some trouble listening to a voice he’s only ever heard in his head. He deals pretty well after their initial conversation, which can be broken down to:

“Are you alive?”

“Yes. Are you?”

“Yes.”

And:

“Does your shield work? How about your healing? How many fingers am I holding up? Do you hear me snapping my fingers next to your ear?”

To which the answer was yes, yes, three, yes now shut up.

Ling is having the time of his life catching Greed off-guard and scaring him by simply getting in his field of vision.

In fact that’s what he’s looking to do when he finds Edward, Alphonse and Winry seated around the coffee table, holding tiny little cups that they refill from a bottle in the middle of the table.

Winry taps her glass down after a sip when Ling walks in.

“Never- oh Ling. Hey. Wanna join us?”

“What is it that you’re doing?”

“We’re playing Never-Have-I-Ever!” Alphonse says. “Hey, Lan Fan.”

Ling turns and finds that Lan Fan is indeed behind him. “How do you play?”

“We take turns saying things we’ve never done, and if somebody has done what you say, they have to take a shot.”

“They have to what now?”

“Take a shot! It’s when you drink all that’s in your glass, hopefully in one gulp. That’s why the glasses are so small, so you can take a lot of bottoms-up shots.”

“At noon?”

“Why not? Nobody’s stopping us.”

“Adults”, Edward says, lifting his fist to the ceiling.

Ling looks at Lan Fan, who simply waits for his answer.

“Sure”, he says. “Lan Fan?”

“Sure.”

Winry goes to get more glasses – shots, Alphonse called them – and comes back just as Greed walks in.

“Okay, what are we doing”, he says, sitting down in the chair between Lan Fan and Alphonse.

“Never-Have-I-Ever”, Edward says. “Alcohol work on you?”

“The good stuff does. Whatcha got?”

Winry grabs another shot.

“Major General Armstrong sent it to us from Briggs!” Alphonse says, passing the bottle to Greed. He sloshes the drink around in its container and puts it back on the table without so much as glancing at the label.

“It’s pretty strong”, Winry says as she slides the shot to Greed. She takes it upon herself to make sure everyone’s got a full shot of the stuff. “It was my turn. Well, new players. Okay, never have I even been to Xing.”

Greed downs his drink. Ling and Lan Fan look at each other.

“Just like that?” Ling says.

“Just like that”, Greed answers as he goes to refill his glass. “Wow, good stuff.”

“Told you.”

Lan Fan takes her shot and offers her glass for Greed to refill. Ling takes his with a frown. “This tastes horrible.”

Greed gasps in offence while he refills Ling’s glass.

“What? We’ve got better drinks at Xing.”

“I have to agree as well”, Lan Fan says. “Whose turn is it?”

“Well, we’re going that way, so I guess it’s Ling’s now.”

“Ow man, I had a good one”, Alphonse says.

“So I can say anything?” Four heads nod. “Never have I ever... uh, hm. I don’t know. Oh, never have I ever found a relative attractive”, he says, staring right at Greed.

Greed takes his shot.

“Wait what? You don’t have relatives.”

“I count the other homunculi as relatives.”

“Oh. I guess that counts.”

“Never have I ever read a book in Amestrian”, Lan Fan says.

Four shots empty.

Greed takes his sweet time thinking. “Damn, there’s few things I’ve never done. Never have I ever seen anyone in this room fully naked.”

“Wait hold on, nobody drink”, Ling says, causing the brothers to stop with their glasses halfway to their mouths. “I’m pretty sure you showered when you were in my body.”

“I’m pretty sure it was _my_ body at the time.”

“Does that count? Can he do that?”

Winry shrugs. “Probably?”

Ling slumps in his seat. Edward and Alphonse drink.

“Okay, I’ve got a good one”, says Alphonse. “Never have I ever seen Winry strip.”

“You FUCKER”, Edward growls, blushes and takes a shot. Greed laughs. “It’s not like that!”

“Do I take a shot?” Winry asks. After a few shrugs, she takes the shot.

“Never have I ever used a Philosopher’s Stone”, Edward says after refilling his and Winry’s glasses.

Alphonse clinks his glass with Greed before they both take their shots. Ling sips his warily.

“Carbon’s a mineral, right?” Winry says, prompting a nod from Edward. “Never have I ever had metal be part of my body”, she says, and gives a slow, smug grin when everybody downs their shots.

“Never have I ever cut my hair short.”

“Never have I ever had any piercings.”

“Never have I ever fucked anyone in this room.”

Greed looks really disappointed when nobody moves to drink. “Aw, come on, you’re all a bunch of teenagers, there’s no way there hasn’t been any boning going on here.”

“One hour!” Ling says. “One! Fucking! Hour! Without a mention of anything sexual!”

“Nope, can’t do it.”

“UGH.”

“Never have I ever found Ling Yao attractive.”

Ling stops being a drama queen to whip his head to Alphonse.

“What? I’m curious. It’s at least way more appropriate than Greed’s.”

“He’s got a point, the damn shipper”, Greed says. He holds his shot out to Lan Fan, who knocks hers against it. They knock their heads back as they drink. Ling sees the tail end of Edward taking a wary sip.

“BROTHER WHAT THE FUCK.”

“You were the one who said the damn thing!” Edward splutters.

Ling sees a teasing opportunity and takes it. “Wow, Ed, I’m touched. Only, I don’t see you that way. I hope we can still be friends.”

“Fuck off? It’s not even like that!”

“You’ve said that once today, I’m pretty sure it’s a once-per-day card.”

“Will you shut up I wouldn’t kiss you if you were dying! Seriously, I was this close to just skipping this one, but I’ve had enough shots not to care at this point! You know what? You’ve got a fucking fine waist. There, I said it!”

“THANK you”, Greed says. “Glory be, somebody actually gets it.”

“Never have I ever found anyone from Xing romantically attractive!” Edward shouts.

Alphonse takes his shot while glaring daggers at his brother. Ling, Lan Fan and Greed clink their glasses together and drink.

“Oh, I see a pattern”, Winry says. “Never have I ever been attracted to someone younger than me.”

Greed laughs so hard he chokes on his shot. Alphonse’s glare expands to include Winry.

“Okay, is that what we’re doing now? Never have I ever made out with an Amestrian.”

Greed makes sure to grin from ear to ear while he takes his shot. He tries to keep his eyes on Ling, but eventually has to look at Winry and Edward as hey wrap their arms at the elbow to take their shots.

“Congratulations”, says Lan Fan as soon as she swallows, “Never have I ever been attracted to a person of the same gender as me.”

Ling and Greed clink their glasses over her head. Edward makes a point of putting his shot down at the table. Winry downs hers.

“Never have I ever had an operation done on me.”

Edward raises his glass at Lan Fan, who raises it back. She stifles a cough as she reaches for the bottle.

“You don’t have to keep playing, you know”, Ling says. “It’s a terrible drink. Nobody’s making you.”

“Thank you. One more shot, I think.”

“I was thinking the same.”

“Aw, what”, Greed says. “Come on, guys, it’s gonna be boring without you, I don’t care about these kids.”

“Hey!”

“Well too bad”, Ling says. “You can’t do anything to keep either of us here.”

Greed opens his mouth, glances sideways at the blondes, closes his mouth.

“Never have I ever kept my hair in a ponytail”, Alphonse says. He exchanges an unimpressed look with the only other person to not drink, which is Greed. “Good game, Ling, Lan Fan.”

“Good game”, says Ling. “Fuck I think I need to lie down.”

He leaves the room with Lan Fan trailing behind him.

“So”, Edward says, “attracted to a relative?”

“Is that a never-have-I-ever?” Greed says.

“Never have I ever made out with a relative.”

Greed downs his drink.

“Never have I ever sparred with a relative.”

Winry is apparently boss at this game, because all the guys in front of her drink.

“Never have I ever fought Sloth.”

The Elrics drink.

“Shit, really? I’ve barely even seen the guy, and he’s my bro. Wow, haha.”

“Never have I ever fucked with a relative”, says Alphonse.

Edward stares. Greed drinks.

 

 

It does get pretty boring pretty quickly without Ling and Lan Fan. Greed declines the offer of water when they decide to stop playing. Instead he watches Edward fight sleep and lose. Winry has the dignity to go to her room before she passes out. Alphonse seems to be the only mortal here who doesn’t want to sleep till next week.

Instead he stays and talks with Greed.

Somehow the conversation continues where the game left off, and Greed ends up talking about the other homunculi, about Envy’s company and Lust’s walk and Gluttony’s death. Alphonse provides an extensive description of Lust’s death.

“You. Have got. To be kidding me. Those were her last words? Like, she actually said that?”

“Yeah. It was kinda creepy, in retrospect, considering the Colonel went blind.”

“Fuck that, she made _a fucking note_ of dying at his hands. This is so fucked up. A womanizer killed Lust. Holy shit, I need a moment.” Greed stands up and rakes his hands through his hair. Edward stirs.

“Why is it fucked up?”

“Put that together with Gluttony getting eaten and it’s fucking, just, the cruelest irony at our expense! Wait”, Greed stops pacing. “Holy fuck. Oh shit, shit. How did Envy die?”

“He ripped out his own Stone”, Edward says.

“They”, Greed corrects, “And please tell me you’re shitting me.”

“Nope. Went back to a lizard, yanked off the Stone.”

“No. No no no, that is not- shit, Envy was not one for suicide, much less in their original form, oh God, oh fuck. Sloth?”

The brothers shrug.

“Pride?”

“I broke down his form and he turned into a tiny little baby. Too tiny, though, and fully formed. He didn’t look like a fetus.”

“There is no fucking way Pride could be broken down that easily.”

“He was hurt badly and I think he tried to take my body for his own. He was screaming at Kimblee for some reason.”

Greed walks over to the nearest wall and starts banging his head against it. “And Wrath died with a smile on his fucking face. Fuck everything, I died _sated_.”

Alphonse wraps his arms under Greed’s and drags him away from the wall. “Don’t destroy our house, please.”

Greed pleads and curses at the ceiling.

“Fuck this”, he says eventually, and goes upstairs. He bursts in the guest room.

Lan Fan opens her eyes. Her metal arm is around a sleeping Ling.

Greed really shouldn’t be surprised to find them napping together, considering they’ve been cuddling to sleep ever since he got his body – there _were_ only two beds in the room, after all – but he’s still caught off guard at how casual the whole thing is. Or how comfortable Lan Fan looks. She doesn’t even seem fazed at Greed’s intrusion.

She holds out her free hand, and Greed kisses the back of it before he goes to the other bed in order to pass out.

 

 

Winry and Alphonse bake yet another pie. Greed starts to wonder if that’s the extent of their cooking abilities.

He inhales a piece and goes back to the room.

They haven’t even bothered to pretend they’ve moved, despite the fact that it’s way past dinner time.

“Aren’t you guys hungry?”

“We smuggled some pie while you were asleep.”

“Uh huh sure.”

“You’re free not to believe us.”

They haven’t moved, not really, but they have at least changed positions, if only subtly. Lan Fan’s head is nestled neatly in the crook of Ling’s neck, and this time it’s _his_ arm around her. Greed really wants to just sit and stare, mostly because their loungewear is basically their pants, plus bandages on top. Lan Fan’s cover her chest, Ling’s cover his midriff. It’s pretty fucking hilarious; they’re positioned so Ling’s bandages start where Lan Fan’s end.

Greed moves to the other bed.

“Wait, Greed”, Ling says. He looks at Lan Fan. “Join us?”

Greed blinks as they scoot over. He lies on Lan Fan’s other side and leans over her to kiss Ling. He hums when he kisses back. Greed settles down against Lan Fan’s back and spoons her. For some reason it’s funny that she lets him.

He kisses a trail from the nape of her neck to her shoulder. To his immense delight, she turns around so she can kiss him back.

He props himself up on an elbow – he’s not gonna make her move all the way around, what kind of gentleman is he – and takes advantage of the new angle to really make out. Lan Fan’s metal arm tries to grab his shirt. It fails, of course, considering his shirt is merged with his body, so instead it grabs whatever it finds nearby, which turns out to be Ling’s hand.

“Whatcha want”, Greed says, studying Lan Fan’s face from too close to see much.

“What do you mean?”

Greed turns to look at Ling. “What do _you_ want?”

“What do you offer?”

“Anything you want. I’m asking for all you have too, though. You don’t have to give it.”

“No, you can have it”, Ling says, his free hand coming up to cup Greed’s neck for a kiss. “Give me what you want.”

“With pleasure”, Greed laughs, “But ladies first. Lan Fan?”

Lan Fan swallows before she answers. “What- what are the choices here?”

“Anything you want. You asking for recommendations or what?”

“Yes?”

“Okay then, the Avarice’s humble opinion is slow, mild, no penetration. Does the prince have any opinions?”

“The prince refuses to answer that question.”

“The prince can go fuck himself, then, cause I can’t read your mind anymore, kid. You gotta use words here.”

“Why do I gotta?”

“Because if you don’t speak your mind you’re gonna be miserable. Seriously, I cannot fucking stretch this enough. You guys have to tell me what you like and you have to stop me if you don’t like something. I’ll stop, promise. Now, does the prince have any opinions?”

“The prince votes for the Avarice’s opinion.”

Greed laughs and leans over to kiss Ling’s bangs. “How about the guard? What’s her opinion? It _is_ the most important opinion here, after all.”

“The guard agrees, however”, Lan Fan takes a moment to look between them, “Why’s her opinion the most important? They should all be equal, I think.”

“Nah, it’s most important for this vote. We’re gonna do another one for Ling.”

“And another for you?”

“I don’t care much. You two probably can’t even think of anything that’ll make me freak out.”

“What if we hurt you?”

Greed gives Ling an unimpressed look. “What could you possibly do to hurt me?”

Ling bites his tongue instead of giving an answer.

“Votes for the prince. The Avarice calls the exact same.”

“The prince seconds that.”

“The guard... uh, thirds that?”

“Are we gonna roleplay this whole damn thing?” Greed says. “Like, no problem or anything, just let me know.”

“I find it weird”, Lan Fan says.

“I think it’s funny”, Ling says, “but yeah, no. Better not.”

“K cool.” Greed turns to Lan Fan. “Ladies first, okay?”

“Okay.”

Greed kisses her, and her neck, and her automail, and the bandages on her chest, and her abs. God, those abs. One of his hands comes to trace the outline of the muscles.

“You can touch me too, you know”, he says.

She nods. Her flesh hand rests on his shoulder. Her steel one is still gripping Ling’s.

So precious. Greed almost doesn’t want to strip these two.

Almost.

He drags a finger from Ling’s side all the way down the gorgeous curve that leads to his hip, then brings it back up to tug at the bandages.

“How the hell do you take these off?”

“Easy”, Ling says, and lets go of Lan Fan’s hand to take them off. Greed blinks and misses it. He’s left staring at Ling’s now naked waist and the bandages that Ling throws to the floor.

“Okay, what the fuck.”

“It’s easy if you know what to do”, Ling says and pecks the top of Greed’s head. He then moves on to kiss Lan Fan, so Greed goes back to making out with the wonder that is her abs.

He tugs down her pants and kisses her hipbone.

He tugs them lower.

And lower.

Greed isn’t sure if he should be offended that neither Lan Fan nor Ling bother to pay attention to him. He sneaks his fingers under the waistband and rubs circles on her thigh. She shudders.

Ah, there we go.

“Talk to me”, he says. “Go? No go? Do, don’t? C’mon, kids.”

“Do”, says Lan Fan as soon as Ling lets her have her mouth back.

Greed has to sit up in order to take her pants off, but she seems to be having fun in kicking them away. He kisses her hip again, and then her knee. From there, he travels down her thigh.

Greed makes sure to keep eye contact when he licks her. She’s also determined to keep eye contact. Ling isn’t really getting any eye contact, but he’s having trouble dragging his eyes away from where Greed’s face gets lost between Lan Fan’s thighs.

Greed takes Lan Fan’s hand and puts it on his head. She tries to grab his hair, but the damn thing is too short for the leverage she wants. Instead she snakes her other hand around Ling to grab his and pull him in for yet another makeout session.

It’s a shame that Greed’s eyes want to close of their own volition, but he figures Lan Fan’s occupied enough that he can indulge a little. He keeps reminding himself to open them. Her lower abdominal muscles twitch and clench, and he follows that rhythm with his mouth.

He pulls away and licks his lips, and Lan Fan’s hand finally lets go of Ling’s hair.

“You guys are way too quiet”, Greed says.

“I suppose it’s a cultural difference”, Ling offers. “We wouldn’t want to disturb anyone.”

Greed frowns. “The hell with them, I wanna hear you.”

“Maybe some other time.”

Lan Fan rubs at Greed’s hairline with her thumb. Oh. Nonverbal.

His face gets buried again, and Ling starts making out with her neck. The ultimate staredown continues.

Lan Fan is, again, the first to close her eyes. Greed hums. Ling’s tongue trails a line from behind Lan Fan’s ear to her collarbone, no doubt tracing some muscle.

Lan Fan forces her eyes open and Greed takes the opportunity to pull away, just a bit. He puts two fingers and his thumb in his mouth. Lan Fan’s eyes widen. Her teeth peek out to bite at her lip. Greed stares at it as he moves to suck on her clit, rubbing his fingers against her lips.

He has half a mind to take his other hand off of her hip, if only to see whether she’ll grind up to him or restrain herself. His dilemma is quite short-lived, though, because even though on one hand, letting her move would be fucking amazing, on the other hand, teeth. Greed’s teeth specifically. They’re not very junk-friendly.

Instead he tests if she’ll stop him when he adds more pressure. He clenches his hand on her waist. Her eyes glance at the movement, but come back to continue the staredown without hesitation. He must be leaving bruises by now. One of Lan Fan’s feet hooks itself under his armpit.

As soon as he moves his hand to another spot, three pairs of eyes dart to see the indeed darkening marks on her hip. Ling drags his fingers over them, drags his fingers over her waist, drags his fingers up to her chin. Lan Fan grabs a fistfull of his hair with the hand that’s not trying to grab a fistfull of Greed’s hair.

If she makes a sound while her tummy clenches and her thighs pull together, Greed doesn’t hear it, but he’d bet Ling swallows it. Greed does have to let go of her hip, sadly, in order to keep her thighs apart, because they could definitely crush a grown man’s skull between them. And while Greed won’t deny that that’s the way to go, he kinda wants to live long enough to feel the same threat between Ling’s thighs.

She doesn’t grind up to him. Thank God. Pussy safety: secured.

He makes sure she goes limp before he even thinks of pulling away. He props himself up on his elbows and exchanges looks with Ling.

“You okay?”

She nods.

Greed waits for her to open her eyes before cupping a hand under Ling’s jaw and rubbing her taste on his tongue. When they part, they lick their lips in perfect unison, and turn to look at Lan Fan.

That was so synced Greed feels like crying.

Instead he lets his shirt dissipate, he’s been overdressed for long enough. Ling scatters an array of kisses on Lan Fan’s face, and then ghosts a hand over Greed’s marks.

“Do they do anything at all?”

“These ones? No. Why, what were you expecting?”

Ling decides that kissing them is better than an answer. He goes for the circle on Greed’s collarbone and follows the line all the way to his back.

“They don’t do anything”, Greed insists.

“Mhm.”

“Dammit kid, let me drop my pants first.”

“Mhmmm.”

Greed swats Ling away who, again, performs some sort of witchcraft and takes his pants off in the time it takes Greed to scoot to the side of the bed.

Ling’s hands come to rest on Greed’s chest. His own chest is flush against the other’s back.

“What.”

“Mmmmmmmmm.”

“Okay, are you attempting communication here? You can do better than that. Also, yeah, I get that I have nice boobs and all, but I’ve gotta remind you I’m still wearing way too much.”

“Uh huh”, Ling says. His hands travel down Greed’s torso. “So you are.”

He starts working on Greed’s pants but nope. Leather. Can’t do it. Why is it that Greed only regrets his fashion choices when he has to strip? Should’ve learnt by now.

Greed half-stands half-scoots until he can get the damn thing off his butt, and then Ling pulls it the rest of the way off. Free at last.

Greed turns back around and goes straight for Ling’s neck. He kisses and sucks on the skin there.

“Ow”, Ling goes when Greed bites. He lodges his forearm between their chests. “That hurts! Don’t do that.”

“Sorry”, Greed says, but it comes out muffled since he’s already licking the wound better.

“Fuck, am I bleeding?”

“Yeah. Sorry.” Greed plants more kisses on the bite before he does the same on Ling’s face, leaning him until Ling’s back meets the wall. “Won’t do it again, promise.”

Ling grumbles. Greed grins.

“Let me make it up to you?”

Ling laughs. “How would you do that?”

“Well, I could teach you how to give a blowjob, for starters.”

“A what?”

“Man, I’m gonna have so much fun writing a dirty word dictionary for you. Blowjob, you know, giving head.”

“What?”

Greed goes down on Ling, making extra sure to appreciate his waist on the way down, until he’s level with his dick.

“Giving head”, Greed says, and takes one of Ling’s hands to put on his head. “A blowjob.”

It’s gonna ruin his neck to keep eye contact at this angle, but he’s gonna try anyway. Ling is a little more expressive with his face, and Greed will be damned if he misses his opportunity to watch that.

He plants a kiss on the tip and takes his sweet, sweet time licking all over. Gotta get that dick wet, after all.

Ling’s hand gives up on trying to grab Greed’s hair, and joins its twin in clenching fistfuls of the sheets. Some other hand finds its way to Greed’s shoulder.

“Can this be a joint lesson?” Lan Fan says.

“Sure thing, come over here”, Greed says, grabbing around Ling’s fine waist to drag him lower. Poor guy’s spine. Lan Fan shoves a pillow behind Ling’s back.

“Any pointers?”

“Hm, let’s see. Go like this.” Greed sticks out his tongue, mouth agape.

Lan Fan sticks hers out, and Greed leans over to suck on it.

“Yeah, you good. Let’s see, saliva is your friend, don’t try to copy me if you think you can’t do it, keep your weight on your automail arm. We need the flesh one here.”

Lan Fan nods. Greed sucks on the tip of Ling’s dick while bringing his hand up to curl around the base. When he pulls away, Lan Fan starts licking around Ling, the same way Greed was earlier.

“Doin’ good”, he coos. “You’re great.” He joins her in kissing and licking and sucking and it’s fantastic. Lan Fan leans back – to rearrange herself more comfortably, probably, there’s a lot of weird angles going on – and Greed dives straight for it.

Ling is, in the end, the first to make an unintelligible sound, and it’s when Greed deepthroats him.

Greed wants to brag about it maybe, just a little, but he’s got a mouthful of Ling, so he can’t. C’est la vie.

He starts bobbing his head. On the up movement he has enough of an angle to catch Ling’s eyes. It’s a shame both of the Xingese have black eyes, Greed can’t see how dilated their pupils are.

Ling can’t decide which of the two heads between his legs he should be watching. Greed pops his mouth off and goes back to light kisses that transfer to Ling’s thigh. He nudges Lan Fan with his elbow.  She can’t really go as fast as Greed, and she’s hesitant to take in any more than the head, but Ling hasn’t complained yet, so it must be good. Greed makes a note that Ling apparently decided which head he should be watching.

Greed could totally leave a hickey on the inside of Ling’s thigh, right? Nobody would notice.

It’s getting a little difficult to keep mind of this bunch of things, like keeping his teeth away from Ling’s skin and watching Lan Fan - both to make sure she doesn’t choke and also because that is one fine sight to witness. Lan Fan has to lean back to breathe, eventually, and Greed all but devours Ling (figuratively! At no point do his teeth threaten anything important!).

Lan Fan takes Ling’s face in her hands. Greed hums.

Ling’s thigh (the one Greed was making out with before) whiplashes. Greed wraps his hand around it. Ling finally unclenches one of his hands so he can grab on Lan Fan’s neck, tangle with her hair.

Greed is giddy to the moon and back that Ling does make a sound when he comes. Granted, Lan Fan’s mouth muffles it (it occurs to Greed they might be muffling each other on purpose), but it’s still a sweet, sweet sound, and Greed would hum around him if he weren’t already busy swallowing him up.

Greed props his elbows up and nestles his chin in his hands, grinning up at a winding down Ling.

Ling’s hand slowly lets go of the sheet.

“Having fun?” Greed says, licking his lips. Apparently his mouth is a mess, because Lan Fan first licks around it before she shoves her tongue in it.

“Fun indeed”, Ling says, so much later that Greed forgot what the question was. “But I’d say it was pretty productive, too.”

“Really now?”

“Uh huh. Wasn’t this a lesson?”

Greed pushes himself up on his hands and kisses Ling. “I didn’t see you taking any notes.”

“Then you weren’t fucking paying attention.”

“Oh but I was fucking, and I was paying attention. I think your logic has some flaws there.”

“I think your attention has some flaws there”, Ling says, glancing over Greed’s shoulder.

Lan Fan rests her chin on top of Greed’s head and wraps her arms around his shoulders. She then leans back, taking Greed with her, until her butt lands on her ankles. Her hands slide down his arms. Ling kisses the circle on his collarbone again.

“Okay, you know what? These actually felt like my shield before. But they’re not. Functional. Now. Seriously they don’t even do anything, you can’t find them so fascinating thahh _hhhhhhhhht, oh fuck_ ”, Greed fails at mouthing off when Ling bites his neck. “ _Shit_.”

“Shit good or shit bad?”

“Shit good.”

Lan Fan kisses his nape. Greed half expects it when they both go for the same side of his neck and make out over his shoulder. Something sharp digs in his side, and Greed looks down to find Lan Fan’s automail hand pinpricking at his skin. He cups his own hand around it, and it goes slack.

“Sorry”, she says, “I won’t-”

“No, do”, Greed says, “but can you, like... draw blood? Drag your nails around.”

Ling frowns, hides his frown, stares at Lan Fan.

“You... want me to hurt you?”

“Yes.”

Ling’s eyebrows ease themselves up. Lan Fan hides her face in Greed’s shoulder.

Ling goes back to kissing at Greed’s neck and chest, this time with more force, probably leaving hickeys, much to Greed’s delight. Lan Fan bites him from where her face is nestled.

“ _Fuck,_ alright, I don’t know about you kids, but I’m not – _wow fuck_ – not gonna keep quiet just cause. Figure I should at least tell you now.”

Lan Fan hums. Ling kisses lower.

“Okay, Ling, no offense or none, but one lesson isn’t gonna cut it, so if I say something, listen, okay?”

Ling nods in Greed’s hipbone and Lan Fan digs a sharp metal finger down Greed’s bicep.

“ _Fuck_ , fuck okay _more_ , Lan Fan, please, cut me open, slice me up”, Greed says, and is rewarded with more fingers running down his arm. They ghost over to his back and Lan Fan claws a curve right above the circle where Greed’s two lines meet.

Ling takes Greed in his mouth.

Lan Fan drags her hand down and sideways, breaking the line his marks form.

Greed spits out curses faster than he can think them.

“Wow, fucking _hell_ ”, he says when he gets his head together. “You guys are gonna ruin me.” His voice goes about as breathy as it can go without Greed ripping his own vocal chords out of his throat.

Lan Fan kisses his broken skin. Greed grabs her thigh for support. His other hand tangles Ling’s bangs.

“I cannot fucking believe you’re sti _iill_ – _shit_ – wearing that damn ponytail. Look at Lan Fan, she has her hair down and it’s more _com-_ comfortable, ain’t it?” Greed clenches his hand on Lan Fan’s thigh. Is he hurting her? Is his shield up? Questions Greed can’t answer. “ _Shit, ah_ – seriously, if I never-have-I-ever not seeing anyone fully naked again, you know why that’ll be. You and your damn tail.”

Lan Fan brings both hands around his sides and drags her nails from his collarbones all the way down his torso until she buries them in Ling’s hair. She leaves raised pink lines on the right and red rivers down the left. Her flesh hand comes back up to smear his blood.

“Enough?” she says in his ear.

“Never, but close for now”, Greed answers. He tugs on Ling’s hair. “Kid, get off.”

Ling wraps his arms around Greed’s hips.

“Kid.”

Greed vaguely registers that his hand is carbon and that his fingertips dig in Lan Fan’s skin.

“Ling, c’mon.”

Ling hums and widens his eyes as much as he can in order to catch Greed’s.

“Okay, I know I make swallowing look easy but it’s not. It’s fucking not, Ling, I’ve had _decades_ ’ worth of chocking, and I can assure you, it’s not fun.”

Ling pops his mouth off, licks a long stripe up Greed’s shaft, then goes back to sucking him off.

“I’m gonna rip your hair out. I’m serious. Is this a fucking challenge to you? Because I’m pretty sure I’m more patient than you. How old are you, seventeen? Eight?”

Ling holds up two fingers.

“Eighteen. Do you know how old _I_ am?”

Ling holds up one finger.

“Over ten times your age, you goddamn fucking idiot prince, will you fucking stop and listen-” Greed grabs Ling’s ponytail and uses it to drag him up to eye-level. “Fuck you”, he hisses before he shoves his tongue down Ling’s throat.

Lan Fan bites his shoulder. Her hand scratches somewhere at his stomach. Ling’s hand strokes him off.

Greed doesn’t get the chance to scream or plea or whatever other fun thing his mouth usually does when he gets off, because the moment Greed takes his tongue back is the moment Ling pushes his own in Greed’s mouth.

Greed leans back, breathing too much, not breathing at all. He forces his hand to let go of Lan Fan’s thigh.

He looks down.

“We are going to have so much fun explaining the blood on the sheets.”

“We can wash them”, Lan Fan offers.

“Without any of them finding out? Good luck with that. I’m all for bragging about this.”

Ling places his hand on the dip of Greed’s collarbones and drags it down, drawing a wiggly line with Greed’s blood.

“Doesn’t it hurt?” he says.

“Sure it does. It’s fucking amazing.”

Ling frowns. “How can it be?”

“Do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a wound open when your life force is a Philosopher’s Stone? Because it was fucking hell. But this? Hooo boy, this is glorious. I barely even have to think about it. I can heal at any time, kid, and there’s a reason I haven’t.”

Ling takes a deep breath, nods, and leans up to kiss Lan Fan over Greed’s shoulder.

“Oh. Right, fuck, Lan Fan, you okay back there? I didn’t even ask you if you _wanted_ to gore me.”

“I’m fine.”

“More than fine, I’d say”, goes Ling. “Seriously, you should see her face.”

By the time Greed convinces his body that turning around is worth the trouble, Lan Fan has straightened her face out to a neutral.

“Aw. Come on, babe, lemme see.”

“Maybe some other time.”

“There’ll be another time?”

Ling laughs. “Sure, buddy. We’re greedy, after all.”

“That, we are!”

 

 

Alphonse is sporting the bedhead of the century when he takes his place at the table for breakfast. Greed would know; he’s seen a lot of bedheads this century.

He mumbles something that might have been a good morning.

“Morning”, Edward answers, turning to look at his brother. “Slept well?”

Alphonse giggles. “Slept. Good enough.”

Greed ponders on the pause before he realizes that the fact that Alphonse can sleep is what’s good.

“You, brother?”

“Woke up in the middle of the night and downed the rest of the alcohol with Winry. Hangover as fuck.”

Alphonse sits down. Edward passes him a plate.

“Is she sleeping?”

“She got up to eat, but I don’t think she stayed up. Must be sleeping, yeah.”

“Lan Fan, pass me the milk?”

Lan Fan passes the milk to Alphonse. Edward leans away from it.

“How did you sleep?”

“Comfortably”, she answers.

“And you, Greed? You still sleep, right?”

“I slept fucking fantastic.”

Edward narrows his eyes. Alphonse munches on some bread.

“You should’ve been there”, Greed continues.

“No he shouldn’t have”, Lan Fan says.

Greed grins. Edward throws his hands in the air.

“I do NOT want to know.”

“Oh, but you do.”

Lan Fan slams her face on the table.

Ling comes in the kitchen.

“Oh hey there, good morning”, Greed says.

Ling answers in Xingese, coughs, switches to Amestrian. “Good morning.”

Lan Fan repeats what Ling said in Xingese and lifts her head.

“Did you sleep well?”Alphonse says.

“You have no idea”, Ling says, walks around the table and sits in Lan Fan’s lap. Greed scoots his chair so that it touches with Lan Fan’s, and she pushes Ling to sit in the newformed space.

Ling kisses her cheek before he goes. Lan Fan buries her face in her hands.

Alphonse chokes on his breakfast.

“What the hell happened last night?” he asks before he thinks better of it.

“Well since you asked so nicely!” Greed goes, leaning forward on an elbow with a grin that would put most sinners to shame. Though he does have an advantage in that department, considering how literal a sin he is.

Ling shoves a piece of bread in Greed’s mouth.

“Some stuff”, he says.

“For the love of anything that you hold holy, don’t tell us”, Edward begs.

Greed complains around his bread.

“We won’t; Greed, on the other hand...”

Greed takes the bread in his hand. “That’s not what you said last night.”

Ling shoves the bread back in. “Funny, you sound a lot like you did last night.”

Edward screams.

 

 

“Never have I ever fucked with anyone in this room!” Alphonse shouts from the living room.

“There’s nobody in that room!” Ling shouts.

“Where the hell did you get the booze?” Edward says.

“It’s actually orange juice.”

“Fuck off!”

“Wait, get me some of that juice first”, says Greed. “Never have I ever been oblivious to a crush. Bottoms up, Al.”

 

 

“I just realized you’re actually wearing a shirt? Where’d you get that?”

“Bought it just the other day. I think I might’ve worn it once when I was fused with Ling?”

“Huh. It does kinda look familiar. It was looser on him though.”

“Duh. He’s just a kid.”

“A kid you fucked.”

Greed leans back on the couch, grin wide as it goes. “Uh huh.”

Alphonse laughs. “I can’t believe the first thing you do when you get a body is get it laid.”

“I can’t believe it wasn’t the first thing you did when you got your body! No, wait, I can. How old were you, fourteen?”

“I think it wouldn’t have been that much of a priority even if I had got it back at twenty.”

Greed shrugs. “You do you.”

“And you do Ling.”

Greed laughs. “You say that like I’m supposed to be embarrassed.”

“Aren’t you? You defiled a poor kid.”

“Two kids, and they’re a far cry from poor, but really? Al, look at me. Fucking look. I am literally a sin. What part of any of this makes you think I give any fucks about something as insignificant as age difference?”

“I would say it’s quite significant, really. It’s not just a matter of them being young, it’s more that, you, you have such an unfair advantage on them!”

Greed’s grin fades. His eyes narrow. “The fuck do you mean?”

“I mean, well, okay, don’t take this the wrong way, but the fact that you’re so much older than either of them, while they both are so young that they haven’t yet had the chance to make their own mistakes, I think it gets really unfair. For them. Because they wouldn’t really know if you did something wrong?”

“And just who are you to know wrong?”

“I’m even younger than them, I guess I wouldn’t know wrong if it hit me in the face. And really, the fact that your immediate response was to point out that you’re a sin kinda worries me.”

“So what, are you accusing me? Of what, exactly?”

Alphonse snaps his mouth shut and looks at the floor, at the wall, somewhere behind Greed, at the table.

“You think I’d mistreat my possessions? Just who the fuck do you think you’re talking to?”

Alphonse looks at Greed, over his shoulder, back at Greed.

A pair of hands catches Greed by the shoulders and eases him to rest against the couch.

“What are we talking about?” Ling says in his ‘I know you know I speak your language but I’ll pretend not to’ voice.

“Kid thinks I’m taking advantage of you”, Greed says, ignoring Alphonse’s frantic ‘kill’ movements.

“Sure you are. We’re your possessions, after all, and what good is a possession you don’t take advantage of?”

What’s that on the floor? Oh, it’s Alphonse’s jaw, no big deal.

“You’re surprisingly eager to objectify yourself”, Greed frowns.

“I wouldn’t call it ‘objectifying’. Not with _your_ definition of ‘possession’.”

Greed knocks his head back. “How so?”

Ling answers in Xingese, but Greed has picked up enough from Ling’s thoughts that he gets two words.

_You, mine._

Ling leans down for a kiss. Greed tangles his hands in Ling’s hair.

“Lan Fan too”, Ling continues. “But you didn’t hear it from me.”

Alphonse picks his jaw off the floor. “What’d you say?”

“Come to Xing and maybe you’ll find out.”

“I was planning to, anyway”, Alphonse sighs, apparently happy at the change of topic. “But I could still use a couple more months to make sure I’m good to cross the desert.”

“That sounds nice”, Greed says. He gestures at himself. “This still is pretty fragile to some things, probably dehydration. Better safe than sorry, right?”

“Wait, you guys will be staying? We can go together! Oh, this’ll be so much better than crossing it alone.”

“Wait, Greed”, Ling jumps and kneels on the back of the couch. “We have to go back, like, two days ago.”

“I know. Sorry, buddy. I don’t think I can make it.”

“But we can’t stay here! My clan needs me.”

“Then you and Lan Fan go without me. Two months and I’ll be right over with Alphonse here. You wouldn’t leave the kid alone, would you?”

Ling frowns. “May had no trouble.”

“May had much trouble. And she had Alkahestry.”

“And Shao May”, Alphonse adds. “Please don’t leave me alone, I couldn’t hope to know what to do.”

Metal clings, deliberate, and Greed leans and turns to can see the source of the sound around Ling.

Lan Fan. Of course it’s deliberate.

“What is it?” Ling asks.

She speaks in Xingese, quickly and quietly. Ling answers. Greed hears his name somewhere in there. Ling climbs to the front of the couch by Greed’s side and motions Lan Fan to come over by Greed’s other side. She’s there in an instant.

“How are you feeling?” she asks.

 _Like I got laid_ , Greed wants to answer, but instead, “Good.”

“Plain good or great good?”

“Great good but tired.”

“Can’t you come home with us?”

“Not right now.”

Lan Fan, yet again, is the first to break eye contact. She looks at Ling, who rests his head on Greed’s shoulder.

“We have to go.”

“I don’t want to.”

“It’s just two months.”

“You guys can live without me”, Greed says, patting them both on the back.

Lan Fan perches up on her knees, grabs Greed by the neck with her steel hand and bites his lip. Greed is halfway through bringing carbon to his hand to scratch her back when he realizes her claws haven’t even grazed him. And the bite, she kisses and licks his mouth like the only reason she hurt him was to make him sensitive to it.

Greed is reminded of her mask, how it makes her look threatening and angry and distant when her eyes are the kindest Greed has had the pleasure of looking at up close.

By the time he figures out what’s going on she’s already turned around and leaving.

“You good?” Ling asks.

Greed thumbs at his lip, presses it against his teeth to hurt it. “More than good. Go ahead.”

Ling nods, leaves a kiss on Greed’s temple and hurries after Lan Fan.

Greed bites his thumbnail. He lets his hand drop before he looks back at Alphonse.

“Were we talking?”

“Uh, yeah. Yes, I mean. Yeah.”

“You look like you’ve been caught reading porn.”

“Excuse you?! That’s not how I look! I have a perfectly normal face going on! There’s nothing-”

“Don’t tell me you’ve never seen people kiss before. I’ll cry.”

Alphonse tucks his head between his shoulders. “No, that’s not, I mean, I’ve seen people kiss before.”

“But...?”

“But not so... casually? Ling wasn’t even, how can you be so chill?”

“Why wouldn’t we be?”

“I mean, I guess I don’t have the best comparisons here. Teacher and her husband always made a big show out of romance, while brother and Winry...”

“...Act like twelve-year-olds.”

“Most of the time, yeah.”

Greed laughs. Alphonse dares to make eye contact again.

“Does that hurt?” he says, gesturing at his mouth.

Greed licks his lips. “Yeah.”

“That was violent.”

“You say that like it’s a bad thing”, Greed shrugs.

“I had you for more on the other side of that scale, to be honest.” Alphonse fiddles with his empty glass.

“Then you’d be wrong, my friend.”

“No, seriously, how can you like hurting? Being hurt?”

“Trust me buddy, once you think of pain as fun you turn into either or both.”

“How did you even get to think of pain as fun?”

Greed pokes his fingers at the dip under his thorax, where his Stone used to be, back when it was solid rather than mixed with his blood. “Lust thought everything was fun.”

Like stabbing him through the Stone. He kept coming back liquid after that.

“Oh yeah”, Alphonse frowns. “Right, you fucked your sister.”

“Oh don’t even, right now. You’ve got the sin that wants everything and the sin that wants to fuck everything interacting for decades and you’re surprised to find them screwing?”

“Okay, okay, I get it. Just”, Alphonse sighs. “I’m scared for Ling and Lan Fan. Not blaming you or anything, but... okay, maybe it _is_ because it’s you. Still.”

“I know not to hurt them”, Greed says. He lies on his back on the couch. “Probably couldn’t really bring harm even if I wanted to. Too much time spent doing it right.” He plays with the hem of his shirt, thumbing at the scratches by his tummy.

“I don’t think biting is among the things that are right.”

Greed laughs. “My kink is not your kink and that’s okay”.

“Dude, what are you doing?”

Greed brings his hand up to look at it. There’s blood on his thumb.

“Oh. Must’ve scratched it open.”

“Scratched _what_ open?”

Greed turns his head and splits his face in a grin. “Ever notice Lan Fan’s automail? Sharp knuckles, sure, but claws?”

Alphonse’s face catches fire. “You’re bleeding them?”

“They’re bleeding me, is more like it. Lan Fan, at least. Ling doesn’t look too much into it.”

Alphonse covers his face. “Oh my God.”

“He made sure to let me know he didn’t like it, I mean, surely you must’ve noticed that bitemark on his neck?” Greed shows off his teeth when Alphonse peeks between his fingers. “Guess how he got that.”

“Is that even something to be proud of?”

“No, not really. He did complain, after all. Lan Fan didn’t, though, I guess I’ll have to try again and ask her.”

“Lan Fan didn’t have any bites.”

“It wasn’t a bite”, Greed says, carbon dancing on his fingertips, “and it wasn’t someplace she’d show off.”

Alphonse covers his ears and starts singing. Greed laughs.

“No, for real though, I’m not gonna hurt them. Promise. You know I don’t lie.”

“Do... hm. Nevermind.”

“What?”

“I was gonna ask if you love them, but... yeah.”

“Define ‘love’.”

Alphonse’s eyebrows furrow. “Like, would you....”

“...Yes?...”

Alphonse hums.

“Hard to think of something I haven’t done already, isn’t it?”

“Yeah.”

Greed scratches higher on his abdomen.

“Xing is so different”, he muses. Blood gathers under his nails. “They don’t care about age or love or what-have-you we’ve got here.” He uses his thumbnail to drag some blood out from under his fingernails. “They’ve got succession and clans, and all they care about is heritage. The royal family, at least. I’m pretty sure they can’t even grasp the concept of cheating.”

Alphonse hums again in affirmation. Greed looks at his hand.

“Some royal guy can fuck as many daughters as he wants so long as they’re in the same clan, in hopes of getting a bunch of children to murder each other for power.” Greed scoffs. “And the moment a girl so much as looks at some guy other than whoever’s supposed to fuck her, she’s dead. I wish I was kidding. I literally watched one of the clans’ princesses get killed for making prolonged eye contact.”

“No shit?”

“No shit. She was a princess, too. The old man’s kids usually get all the leeway they want. Fucking cruel is what the clans are.”

“That’s horrible.”

“I will fucking murder the Emperor myself if it means Ling gets to rule. Do you know what they do to guards who get involved with their lieges?”

“Don’t tell me.”

“Wouldn’t want to scar you. But they have to live with it. God, I’m gonna have the party of my life when the clan system gets demolished.”

“Have the party of your life”, Alphonse smiles, “You mean like… a wedding?”

Greed laughs. “God, I hope. Xing has such nice customs for weddings.”

“I hear they include multitudes, too.”

“Do you think I can convince them to let me wear Amestrian clothes?”

 

 

(It takes a few years, and a three-piece suit looks funny next to two traditional Xingese attires, but they let him.)

**Author's Note:**

> alternative titles for this fic: Greed Gives Head And It's Nice, Greed You Fucker, Merrier Th[e More ](http://thephilosophah.tumblr.com/post/140752658800/merrier-the-more-triple-fun-that-way-twister-on)  
> here's some relevant art i've done: [ from chap 2 ](http://thephilosophah.tumblr.com/post/150369202586/youd-think-i-wouldnt-be-doing-art-for-my-own), [ from chap 3 ](http://thephilosophah.tumblr.com/post/150464156501/scene-from-my-fic-go-read-it-if-you-want)  
> [ also i need glasses asap? ](https://ko-fi.com/A726AD0)


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